Green Vanilla Latte

Let it snow

2011-12-18T13:49:00.003+08:00

Yo all, i'm back..

Christmas is coming!!! then we'll have new year, chinese new year.. then yacks! low season with no holidays and no breaks...

So how have i been? i've been great. Came across working stress, study stress and human stress. Experiencing all these is like having another step into maturity. I wouldn't say its best to encounter all these before you start talking about working life but it somehow train you to be stronger by exposing you to the reality in working field. A lot of questions arise when dealing with difficult people, i mean troublemakers and drama queens/kings, also receiving sarcastic orders from head who doesn't really know what's going on with the lower level. The discrepancies train us to be firm on our stands, fight for what's right but not scratching their face in front of everyone.

Oops, shouldn't brag too long about work, after all its BORING! =)

Oh, Christmas! its warm, delightful and it says to me : gathering! Love it when christmas is arriving with all those lovely decorations everywhere and knowing that someday santa claus will grant you everything u have dotted down in your wishlist... i mean someday XD

Let all of us sing for a better Christmas and world peace! Love green, Love life, Love yourself! Cheers!~~

goodbye hello/hello goodbye

2011-11-05T01:19:00.003+08:00

where are you?

i miss you dad.

from,
your lil girl

What can I do?

2011-03-22T22:52:00.001+08:00

Whenever I'm in stress, I will think of you. The problem is, where can i find you?

sunken heart

2011-03-12T00:27:00.002+08:00

my thoughts are with the earthquake + tsunami's victims in Japan, reading those news, updates, browsing through the pictures and watching the video of the disaster were too awful...and yes, it breaks my heart.

Here's what happened...."The massive 8.9-magnitude earthquake in Japan today, March 11, 2011, triggered tsunami warnings across the Pacific Ocean. One of the biggest earthquakes recorded in history, it was followed by more than 50 aftershocks, many of them with a magnitude greater than 6.0"...the death toll are expected to rise significantly.... crops, houses, cars, living beings were swept away by the tsunami...

my thoughts are with you, the victims of the disaster...Be strong and stay strong.

Back To Zero

2010-09-28T21:26:00.002+08:00

Guess some of you may get the meaning of 'back to zero', erm, yes..I am now officially unemployed...again. Between the lines lies long long stories..from my first job to the awaited-disappointed job to unemployed. Come to think of it, I AM A LOSER, for making lousy decisions and doing mindless acts...but, isn;t this the process of life, I mean I am going through all these (ups and downs, mostly downs)and I found that hey, maybe these are all the obstacles that are blocking my way, and I just need to kick it aside and go on with my life.

Ok ok, its getting longer and longer, I'll try to keep it short. in the end, I turned off the TNB offer and now, I am POOR!!!!! T_T

*I wanna kill myself... T__T

Dilemma...with indecisive mind

2010-08-17T13:33:00.002+08:00

I'm in a terrible dilemma now....

I am currently having an offer in front of me by TNB, offering me to be the trainee for a year and proceed as permanent employee in it. Alright, the pay looks tempting and the compensation package as well, everything looks nice as it is one of the strongest corporation among GLCs as well as companies participate in Malaysia. It is undeniable a once in a life time offer.....

However, the environment(people) doesn't look good there..where they are freaking unfriendly to me, and the place is so dead, people doesn't look interesting and jobscope-awaiting to be discovered.

The only non-pay reason that motivates me are my friends...few of them are gonna rock TNB with me.. phew...I still have friends..

So, what should i do?

~none~

2010-08-12T11:14:00.003+08:00

moody thursday

don ask me why....just moody & i hate this feeling

edit: (time 1500, 12th August 2010)

I am super annoyed now....get ur hands off my table, or better, get ur face off my parametre(5km)!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!

Favourites...i supposed

2010-08-11T13:40:00.000+08:00

below are images that appear on my office desktop... enjoy

above images are my preferences, guess which is the image that appear longer as my desktop b/groud.....no, not G7 the beauties....is the girl who is dancing ballet =) she looks amazing, and who is she? she is alice, alice@wonderland

0=)

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHOULD I TITLE THIS (cont.)

2010-08-10T13:58:00.001+08:00

first of all.....sorry for the long advertisement...haha

actually I have lost the interest in blogging about convo at this moment because its already three days past and I'm barely managed to tune back to my work mode.... still, just a short summary, i met with buddies and friends that i miss so much, took some pictures and got bit of updates from them.

I feel so thankful to have a bunch of close friends that are so awesome. Thumbs up for them and wish all of us a brighter and better future.

Desperately missing you all!!!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SHOULD I TITLE THIS

2010-08-06T18:45:00.000+08:00

people!!!!!

guess where am i now? ta dah...i'm in my friend's house blogging..and why am i so so into blogging now, because i am waiting patiently for her to bath and get dress, then we will head to my house... okay, it sounds so 'middle in nowhere right now'...my day begins with...

i woke up at 6.30am today, which was like OMG...I'm waking up so early as if it's a working day...damn! Well, today i will be having a rehearsal for my convocation and I purposely take a day leave for this. Then, i get dress up, got my friend here at my house around 7.15am, got a little catch up with her, which ended with on-ing all the lights at my house so that she will be able to put some eye liner =_=" pathetic

Soon, our friends arrived to pick us up, so we head on to USJ to fetch another friend. We were basically joining the traffic in KL round and round as the traffic was bad. Finally, we reached our BELOVED UNI for the rehearsal which we were one hour behind shcedule, special thanks to XXXXX for the bad time management.

wanna know what happened in the rehearsal? stay tuned for the next post.

BLUR TO THE MAX

2010-08-05T16:56:00.000+08:00

CONVOCATION IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER...COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.....OMG

Mistake....or.....Truth

2010-08-01T12:18:00.000+08:00

Sigh........

What a long sigh. Reminder, if you wish to understand the story of this post, you will be disappointed cos there ain't story line or connection between each sentence. Below are just thoughts that pops out from my mind over this weekend.

There are times when mistakes caused problems and the snow just tend to roll bigger and bigger, and when you are in the middle of your way in reaching the root of the mistakes, everything just got so wrong. At times 'timing' is the villain in the story where it always play the opponent of your thoughts. You know, writing all these fragmented sentences are meaningful at this moment. But after just one day, i will find it hard to understand what I've gone through that caused me to write all these. What a joke ah...

In short, I wasn't in a bright mood now, so please forgive me.

SHUT UP!

2010-07-28T14:17:00.000+08:00

I am now (time1420, 28th July 2010) annoyed and depressed to the max....so freaking down because of work. I have been dealing with cheque payments with upper level and vendors non-stop, ARGH!!! tension begins when you started to make wording mistakes when writing on cheques and upper level rushing you to meet the f*cking datelines with the vendors calling non stop to get payments...

How the hell did all these happened? simply because I was too careless...Don't Scold Me you #^%$#&#%@*%....ISH

ARGH........

2010-07-20T14:09:00.001+08:00

ARGH..........die!!!

Work Place

2010-07-20T08:40:00.000+08:00

This post may be considered as the 'opponent' to the previous post. I was desperate for a job back then, which consequently causes me to grab whatever opportunity I have at that time. As a result, I am stranded.....more specifically, am blurr+ mindlessly working in my very first company( doesnt really sound better right...well, i like playing with words, so pls tahan a little).

At first it was like wow, the place@what we call office, is superbly small, after all it is still a MNC, but the overall parameter is more or less the same as an apartment unit. And to my surprise, the pantry is as small as erm...store room, where to the max can fit two ppl(with them hugging each other...haha,kinda romantic huh). Well, I cant deny that at first I was kinda disappointed by the interior, but, here comes the positive side. The ranking goes like this, 1st- the people/colleagues, 2nd- location, 3rd- culture(local). To elaborate further, the seniors are kind and helpful, some are enormously humorous, though there is little generation gap between us but its not a big deal, most importantly is that they are willing to guide and assist me in any way. Location is good, strategic as it is convenient...end talk. Culture pula, well, its quite hard to explain, in short, its very malaysian =)

As for job scope, I'm handling accounting stuff, which claims to be acc+fin. nah...don't even think its finance at all...bullshit.. So, we'll see how long I can survive in this company, wait till my next post then. Take care everyone =)

Desperate donkey

2010-06-11T21:01:00.000+08:00

Dear all,

Really hope that I can find a job soon, I'm so desperate for one T_T

wanna work, wanna work, wanna work~~~

Little updates

2010-06-10T20:40:00.000+08:00

Since graduated, I have been actively seeking for available job vacancies. I been through some ups and downs during the interviews, some were easy and straightforward, some were just BOOM....kiss your job goodbye. I'll start with my worst interview, it was with a well-known conventional bank, and I totally screwed it, haha....shame on me, I can't even answer a simple qs like 'what is your ambition?' can imagine how bad i was? Then i got real damaged (mentally), and my confidence level sunk to the end. Thanks to my friends, I was able to get back on my feet in a short time after the dark mode and I started to do some research on interview jitters. Practiced a little by myself, and I managed to succeed in the following interviews. It was great after all, going through all the interviews, learning new things (esp the communication skills), and I do enjoyed the flow of the interview, one should never miss the opportunity to be interviewed cause that will make us grown up.

Currently I'm still in search for the suitable job and wish that i can get one soon =)

Ammendment!

2010-06-10T20:37:00.000+08:00

Thought u went to the wrong blog...No, you are still with me =)

I have changed my blog's name from little secret to Green Vanilla Latte.

Happy day everyone =)

Tangled-people with Hopeless act

2010-06-08T22:38:00.000+08:00

Currently,

He is worry, but refuse to admit (denial mode), his partner is worry (typical lady), his mother is worry ( typical aunty's mode...nag nag nag), his other related ppl are worry( hopelessly looking at him from aside)

And me, I am worry as well (in the mode of practical way, says...planning ahead and preparing for the worst)

Lastly, why the hell he wanna makes us in the worry mode, because he decides without much thinking. @_@

Another phase of life

2010-04-11T13:27:00.000+08:00

Dear all, I have completed my degree program, finally. Off the uni or study topic, I am now searching for jobs online, looking for possible vacancies, and yes, I had my very first interview in my life. It was exciting at the beginning, and turn out to be awesome and fun. Never thought that interview could be this much of fun. Erm, the fun here is not the 'fun' as you guys think. It is so much fun to be with the other candidates and the interactions between us were great. Have no idea what others think bout that but I enjoyed it. =)

So now, I will keep looking for jobs that I might be able to handle or interested in. Hopefully the searching period will end soon. To all of my classmates, miss you all, take care and all the best! Love you all.

Emergency calls

2010-01-27T21:36:00.000+08:00

If only you know appreciation, and the meaning underneath the word, you will realize how silly you are by being so ridiculous and unreasonable for all these time. The every word noted down here may not reflect the entire truth of the reality, and there may be some issues that I have overlooked to have made conclusion in this post, but isn’t a simple happy life is all that you want? Must you make things so complicated till everyone got so moody and lifeless?

I am writing this because I want you to know that we are so care bout you, we love you so much that it hurts everytime you behave so inconsiderate and bossy, for whatever reasons that worsen your characteristics, it should not affect your family, it should never ruin the relationship between you and your love ones. Because of your behavior, you are leading your newly-established family to separation. (Believe it or not, you are). You and your love one formed this family because love builds it. And what do love means? Love encompasses feelings, touches, sharing, caring, appreciation and trust. It is everything. With everything, you both built a new family, but, It is always easy to form a family but difficult to maintain it. We all know that, that is why we need patience, endurance and tolerance in facing all the upcoming challenges. Love can beat it all.

If separation is what you want, then this post mean nothing to you, but if you are still in love with your family (your husband and cute daughter), you should do some amendments towards your characteristics. I will not point out one by one the weaknesses you have because I believe that you can change by reviewing back your steps, flashback the moments that you have brought everyone mood-less and anger. When you know what you have done, then you will know the way to fix it.

Please don’t try to fool yourself by saying nothing is wrong just because no one is saying your attitude is wrong. We don’t make out a sound because we respect you, and most of the time, to avoid a fight or having ‘speechless-situation’ in the family. I don’t know what others think but for me, I have no idea how to tell you all this but to write it down here. I am not good in expressing myself and don’t know the way to describe how much I hope you will change, but hopefully you will understand what I am trying to say here.
I apologize for any offense made to you and I know that I sound rude, but the very truth is, I hope to have my dear s***** to have a happy life ever after.

All the best to you. Love you.

UNITEN

2009-11-25T00:06:00.000+08:00

All of a sudden think of this topic…my good and bad times in Uniten. I joined this uni 2 years ago, entered straight into degree program, chosen finance as my major course. To be honest, entering into this uni was like ‘out of my mind’ or ‘ridiculous’ to me. Reason- I never leave my city (where I grown up) before, as in like for months or years….never…so it was like a sudden dramatic lifestyle change for me, students travelling from cities to Mdz for the very first time will know how I felt. Well, maybe it may sounds like a big deal to you but for me, the first journey to Mdz was a nightmare to me, when the car entered somewhere near to Jempol, I can see no more of buildings..None at all… And for the first time in my life, I saw millions of trees (palm trees and rubber trees). I was damn afraid of the unexpected things ahead and I actually thought of the old university with cracked doors and small wooden tiny tables…luckily, phew…Uniten is good...The elimination of buildings and new green elements have changed my perception towards living. I used a short period of time to adapt to this brand new lifestyle, and trust me, it is amazing. For a city folk like me (sleep+shopping+mamak+entertainment), it is truly worth it to experienced the study life in Mdz. The greenery effect ranks top, followed by the peace and slow pace of life (hectic-less) and a mixture of people from different races living harmoniously together. It is something precious that one can never find in big cities in Malaysia. Believe it or not, I really enjoyed my uni life in Mdz that I once hated. Tuning into courses… it is always annoying to have people bragging about a course and step on the others. I do have friends that so proud to be in Accounting course, keep bragging bout it, and look down on other courses, trust me, they eventually proved to be wrong with jaws on the floor when they learned about what others did in other courses. Don’t discriminate. If you think that you are too goddess to be compete with, or too invincible, let me know, I will have my very own (Pn. Faridah- my form six economic lecturer) to give a lecture to you. She is the best lecturer I ever seen, dedicated, friendly and considerate with a sense of humor, plus mentally strong, lovely with a touch of strictness. She has the best of all. Also, my friends and I noticed something about juniors in Uniten; they tend to have the same questions over and over again to the seniors. ‘Why did you choose to study in Uniten, Mdz?’ If you are just asking for fun, guess people will entertain you, but if you are looking for an answer, I’ll suggest you to drag yourself to the front of a mirror and ask the qs, listen carefully to the answer from the person in the mirror. What I want to say is, if you have no idea why you are studying here, then what’s the point of asking around for an answer?? Pointless and meaningless…you may just look like an idiot, because you yourself have no idea what’s the purpose of studying here, then why the hell are you here??? Such a funny qs isn’t it…since that you are here, just accept everything around you, the environment and people, and leave the doubt in your head, the path still need to be walked, so why screwing your head to figure out reason you are walking the path, just stick to it and live with it.

Enjoy everyone, have great days in Uniten KSHAS.

Donkey is back

2009-11-21T10:35:00.000+08:00

Thought I have kept my interest to blog? Nah….I’m just a bit too lazy and busy lately, most probably will channel back here regularly soon, only after I grad. I’ll skip the past-tense incidents of mine cause most of the things were dreggy and simply too troublesome to report it, hmm, lets talk about the future tense. For the sake of edu, I have done my final project’s proposal few days ago and it was terribly sucks…however, since that I have injected 100% effort into the shit work, haha… it will turn out to be a piece of ‘art’(finger cross… really hope that my advisor will buy it, if not, I have to start all the hard work all over again). After this, I will start the formal full project paper, which is a nightmare to even think of it. Haiz, forget bout it then… haha…=_=” my head will roll down from Mdz back to PJ then, come on, who’s willing to see a lovely face/head roll by its own through the snaky road in Kuala Pilah, no way man. After completing the final project paper, I’ll be as free as a bird; meaning to say that convocation is awaiting, sounds easy isn’t it. Next, there comes my working era which remain blanks, will be coloured soon. That’s about it, oh, dear paparazzi out there, if you are interested to learn my daily schedule, stay tuned…will be back soon. (fulewa… don’t blame me, cos I’m so into *lady gaga-paparazzi* lately, well, just trying to make some ~shuk shuk shuk shuk~ connection with her song ^^ )

Thanks for reading, have great days everyone. =)

taking revenge

2009-07-08T18:10:00.000+08:00

Part of these three months holiday were like nightmares to me, I have been dragged to hell helplessly. I feel so much like a burden to everyone, every now and then I will automatically remind myself about the debt I owe to others. It is not something nice to have but the fact is, I received lots of help from my family and friends and I have no idea when or if I have a chance to repay them, in whatever forms.
I feel so unsecure about my future, I do, I do think of my future with my current condition. I feel like running away from the truth. I don’t want to face the fact that I am half blind, with all the obstacles and mental challenges I will encounter with. It is cruel to even think of it. The path I’m walking now is leading me to nowhere, it may float away aimlessly anytime which I have a hunch that I might couldn’t accept it. What will I do then?
Now I may look like I’m fine, doing good, accepting the fact that I’m no more like normal people, but I know that currently I’m still in the Pause Mode, where I haven’t started to adapt to the changes that will affect the rest of my life, that I will only be awake after some time, and find that everything is so grey to me. My dreams are vanishing, I’m afraid that I don’t have the courage to walk my way of life. This is a drastic change for me that I don’t know how to adapt to it, I’m not sure if I could actually accept it. Words that comes out from my mouth sounds worriless but deep down in me, everything goes opposite, like another me fighting against myself.
Is this a revenge to me?

Accompany me

2009-03-23T18:58:00.001+08:00

Dear,
I made my visit to you last week. Although I couldn’t see your face, but somehow I just feel like you are around. For whatever reason you have not come to us, I hope that you are in good shape.
I know I done nothing great to be proud of and my life ain’t belongs to the silver screen, but dear, do you know that I have millions of question marks to be solved…I have no idea why my life is in a mess right now, everything seems to be heading the opposite direction as I do. Now, I dare not to make a wish because I know eventually it will turn out to be the other way. Sometimes I wish you are here with me in going through all these, because I’m just not independent enough to face this myself. Deep down inside my heart I need someone to accompany me, am I too demanding? Why do I having this fear and loneliness every time I walk in that door?
I always think that we have so little time yet so much regret between us. I tried ways to stop thinking of you, because I just couldn’t have the nice memory appearing in my mind every time I think of you. I feel guilty. Do you know that this feelings ain’t gonna vanished till I die? Sometimes its unavoidable…sometimes I just pretended that I don’t know.
I owe so so much to you; you did not leave me any payback period. How am I going to pay back to you? Can we arrange a meeting?

the guilty me.

announcement

2009-02-14T12:24:00.000+08:00

This is a little request from me; please listen to a song by Delta Goodrem-‘a year ago today’. Feel it with your heart and listen to its every word.

sorry, paiseh, minta maaf....

2009-01-14T23:19:00.000+08:00

happy new year, everyone....sorry, I have forgotten to wish you all a great 2009..cheers!! haha, i think im the last person wishing happy new year to you all... paiseh

this is not a moody written post!

2009-01-14T23:03:00.000+08:00

I think I'm gonna cut down the length of each post starting from now. It looks terribly confusing with words and words.. I just went through my older posts with fine tooth comb and, I found out that my grammar mistakes are rolling bigger and bigger..whoa, damn pathetic...there i go, everything started to shrink, from my stamina *sick* to my vocab and grammar..as well as my social skill, i think i did badly in communicating with friends recently, especially in accidentally stepped on their tails..my goodness, I better shut up then.

agree? yeah, I do.

oh yeah, this is not a moody post, so enjoy reading..and thanks for supporting by reading all my bullshit, thanks a lot.

hibernation ends...

2009-01-09T00:47:00.000+08:00

been eons..well, I have hibernated for quite some time. In that period of time, I hardly have spare time to do thinking, which do me something good, keeps me away from trouble..

I have learned a new way of living. Now i know the way to treat me right, by say...keep my mouth shut most of the time in avoiding hatred and problems, make myself busy with keeping my first priority-education, so basically since the starting of this semester, I have my nose in the books 50% of my conscious time, the pay for that is, reduction in unconscious time up to 50%. haizzz...

haha, the above doesn't sounds 'treating me right' yeah..what to do, I have to stick to this tiny new year resolution of mine, just hope that it will last long than 3 months, haha, giving it a probation period, anything beyond that will be the credits for me.

nah..thats it for this time..till then

Wordless

2008-10-18T18:13:00.000+08:00

Have no ideas on what to blog here, guess It's time for me to end it.

past-tense

2008-10-17T04:47:00.000+08:00

My memories still fresh, the photos have done its part in making me here. My feeling is simple and empty, cold-blooded you may say, but I really don’t feel the pain or the tiniest sadness that could melt me down. I've made a breakthrough in me, I don't see your leaving pessimistly but in a great way where I just keep the sweet memories and happy moments we had together. And I would smile everytime I think of it.

A letter with love

2008-10-05T17:50:00.000+08:00

Someone I love:

Sometimes life seems to be hard on you, whatever tragic that are beyond your imagination would appear from nowhere, so real till the breath seems frozen in the cold. I just want to run away, from the reality that will never stand by you. You know that, you know that our destiny are unpredictable, you know that leaving behind the love ones is hurt, you just don’t want to separate from us. Do you know that the flowers are laughing at us, even wind blows hard on us, tempting to make us fall. You are so good to me. Lift me to the top with happiness. The love is deeper than the sea, higher than the sky. Looking into your eyes, I know that it is fading away. I could sense the rose that has petals falling down silently. Held out my hand, trying to stop but those were my thought. Uselessly dumb at the moment you were sick, was the only expression I could offer. Perhaps I should give you more, a little more care, if that helps to ease your pain. Though it’s too late, I’m still carrying it tightly in my left palm, as it has a clearer connection with my heart. I will never stop donating blood, because that’s what you supported me to do. There is no point switching on the TV when you are not around, guess you wouldn’t know how much I’ve enjoyed it, the tiniest thing could brought me to heaven as long as we all are together. Together, I love this word, I could tolerate anything to have that happens in my life. Every photos with our smiles looks sweet, as if the espresso has out of its list of being the top strong coffee in the world. From far I can see the tar road being nicely made for us to step on. I like the way you comb your hair, It is neatly combed, like its windless in my world. I never get drowned, as I never ask for help. I will stay strong like our windless world.
May your future path leads you to a good life, along with your favourite oldies, colourful flowers accompany by nature’s beauty, without worries on wealth and health. You deserve all the best of all’s life.

Someone you love

Get well soon

2008-09-19T21:19:00.000+08:00

how many times i have ask myself: what can I do to ease your pain? You have sacrifices your entire life for our future but what about yours? you never travel to any places, you never had a holiday before...All you done was work work and work for your children's life. How can you be so selfless? how could you sacrifice everything without leaving behind anything to yourself?

I have so much sympathy in you yet I hate to have it. You are surely deserve a much better life than this, than suffering physically and mentally like what you are going through now. The truth is, I hate your life, I hate it so so much, how could anyone be destined to have this kind of life like you have? They said God will bless the kind hearted people with wealth and health, You have worked so freaking much for the sake of wealth, and yet health is not with you. How am I supposed to pray to Him? how the hell I know where the hell is He??? And why the hell He could do this to you if, if he really exist...STRICTLY NO APPOLOGIZE FOR SAYING ALL THESE!!! no fucking appologize will be made as I never acknowledge His existence. Well, guess you all don't give a damn on what I shit here as well.

I have no idea what can I do to make you smile for me, you have less smiles these days as a result of your situation deteriorate significantly... I'm not sure if the smile of yours was a happy smile or just to entertain us, but I'm hoping to see it, even if it just last for a second. All I'm able to do is score as high as I can in my studies to make you happy. I'm trying, believe me, I'm trying. I can be successful with all the sacrifices you have made on me...You have the word from me. I wish that I could be there for you now, for what ever that I can do, just hope to accompany you without any worries...You are my greatest daddy.

You are unbeatable, strong and the most loving person I've ever met. You are my superman.

Stay off me

2008-09-17T19:00:00.000+08:00

As I said..STOP PICKING ON ME!!!!!! and just stop complaining anything about me

I am born to live my way, not for you to pick on me..even if you wanna shit something about me, DON'T DO IT IN FRONT OF ME!!!! what, you think I'm invisible or don't deserve to own a normal life???! I have been swallowing all my temper since young, since the day you talking shits about me, and now I'm fighting back not because I have no more respect in you but, but I have learned how to speak up, though I'm still weak in it.

so please stop adding unnecessaryburden +negative comments in my life..I have more than enough of weaknesses in me. I KNOW, I do realised of my bad habits, dumb-ass mind and attitude problems that I'm trying to get rid of.

JUST STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY BUSINESS!!!

draft

2008-08-15T18:32:00.000+08:00

The sounds that interrupt my heartbeat has stop. I’m back to the calm me. As usual, I worked out my daily drudgeries without much thinking. I was beside the photo frame when I was about to leave home. You were smiling, so sweet that would melt the whole world. I stood for some time, thinking bout the same smile you have given to me a year ago. And I looked to the calendar, yes; it was a year ago today. It has been hard for me, to wiped off the past and continue my single journey. And I smile, to return the happiness that you leave to me.
You walked away from my life. I would cry every time I saw your reflection in me. That was the first time you broke my heart. You tear it with your hand, into million pieces with a pool of blood that kills me instantly. Queuing up behind the girls in your heart was the past tense. Finally, you said that I’m the special one. I looked at the hands of us holding tightly and it calms me down from having doubt in you. The promises we have made together were witnessed by the stars. You smile to me…and jump off the edge.
You throw it away; throw the memories and promises away by jumping off the edge. I never know the reason, so as no one knows. I cried and cried. How am I going to live without you? How do we realize our dreams together? And how could you leave me alone just like that? I stunned for years. Looking down the edge seems impossible for me. I can’t accept it. And I won’t...

smile for me

2008-08-14T00:24:00.001+08:00

The smile of yours for me
Makes my heart sweet
Warm me through my skin
And stunned me for minutes

Little by little you’ve come to me
With a stronger taste of nicotine which irritates me
Still
We did not meant to be
The wave and the sea

We had a deal
To compensate the memories

Like always
You had your arms on my shoulder
To keep us close to each other
Kisses and hugs are the ringer
Which keep us alert forever

We had a deal
To compensate the memories

Growing like a baby you said to me
With no tears coming down to my cheeks
And we
Run down straight to the street
And back off you freaks
We’ll give your ass a kick
It sounds so nice, it sounds so deep
To me

We had a deal
To compensate the memories

We had a deal
To compensate the memories

stronger? weaker?

2008-08-12T20:29:00.000+08:00

A little bit stronger, a little bit higher.

I have been through low and high these days, including busy like a bee, flying in and out from the lecture class, completing assignments continuously and blogging like a typical blogger madly... have several sleepless night and sudden awake in the middle of the night. I'm not sure if I am too stress recently but I know that my health is no more like last time. It has ring an alarm on me. At times I will feel pain on my heart and cramp on the feet..which gave me nice pause for about 5 minutes these few nights... On top of that, I look like dead when woke up in the morning, really pale like dead people. And sometimes I got shock looking at the mirror in the morning...can you imagine it.. T___T However, as I mentioned, a little bit stronger for me as I have overcome few obstacles in my studies...nah...nothing serious, just some problems in management science subject that can't be resolved..this subject is killing me, maybe because of that this subject consist of 99% calculation and I'm damn weak in figures.So, can you imagine that?haiz..

Donkey is no more a puppet

2008-08-09T13:12:00.001+08:00

We never have a talk before
Face to face seems unachievable for us
And you never ask
The silence has play its part egocentrically
Leaving us digging our past deeply

Treating me like a stranger
Makes you feel comfortable
As if I would agree to
Be the puppet in your hand

The tone from your words
Is the best prove you have on me
From far
I could sense that our string is soon breaking

I will never grab it back
As I am doing it now alone
You never appreciate it
So please don’t blame me for leaving it fading away like the wind
No regret from me
Because my heart is dead

So long my friend
I will keep a distance with you
Because this is what you want from me
Nothing in this world you can take it for granted
No regret

Stupid donkey!!! wake up you jerk!!!

2008-08-08T23:27:00.000+08:00

I know some of you out there might be reading this. Hence, its best if this could spread to the ears of someone that I specifically wanted to inform.

I never justified myself. I do whatever I think I should do or whatever I feel like I should do without giving any justification. I never like to give explanations towards things that I did. It is because I think that it is your business to whether believe in me or not. I will not force you to agree with my act but I demanded trust. Trust is what I emphasize. I don't give a damn on how people judge me or blame me for doing this or that but I want you! you! to know that if you have loose the trust in me, then I will have nothing to say. For me, if you believe in me, then don't bother what I did. It's obvious that I emphasize a lot in trust and yet, you throw it away like a rubbish... So damn freaking disappointed okay. All the while I was acting like a clown in front of you, trying to warm things up but you could take it as invisible..or you just take it for granted. I am so idiotically stupid and naive to think that I might be the trustworthy person for you. And I am so so wrong...terribly cursing my idiotic life... I have trust from no one, and I'm so fear of losing this principe in me.

Is it because I never justify myself, so you could do this to me? because I don't explain, so you could do this to me? You leave me with no word...and I am stupidly eating the anger that you thrown to me. I am so angry to myself, for having such a brainless mind to not realizing everything earlier. And you just take this advantage from me...how come I have such disappoinment in you? Am I really no one to you? Am I a stranger to you now?

The trust is fading away...and I won't be pulling it back alone because you never appreciate it. If you have believe in me, these things will never happen. Do you know how much I hate myself for being not trustworthy to other people...I just hate the truth that there is no trust in this f$@2cking universe..but still I am keeping it like a dumbest fella.

I hate the truth that I don't have anger towards you, but to myself.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

2008-08-03T17:20:00.000+08:00

I'm disappointed...

truly disappointed with my level of understanding. I am shock to know that all the while I was the most stupid and most idiotic fella in this universe..how could I be so dumb to realised truth so damn freaking late..how could I be so naive!!! Holy #*&^$^@!#$^#@! I am such an idiot!

I need to do brain transplant! otherwise, I need a tough and clean wall to bang...

Questions with no Answers

2008-07-29T22:40:00.000+08:00

Just browse through the older posts. Found out that most of it are covered with dark clouds, guess readers are bored with it too. Well, not that I'm those pessimist but recently I'm really down like shit..and the worst is that it has spread to every part of me- mentally, physically and spiritually. Just don't understand how could every single problem can appears at the same time.

I learned that one can really leave someone with no appreciation. It hurts.. Oh man, how cruel is it... the closest person who knows you so well could just tear out his or her actual face without any warning. It is really scary, relationships that have been built with strong basis can turn into scattered rocks on the floor in a second. Why can human be so heartless? don't they feel wasted to the r/ship that they once owned? people stay and go, but r/ship will last long isn't it? How come I feel so unsafe and unsecure in building up r/ship with people around me...What is trust?? All the while i was wrong? Isn't trust the basic component in building a r/ship?

they leave me with questions...questions with no answers

the perfect reflection

2008-07-28T23:33:00.000+08:00

She had a terrible weekend. She never thought that it will be so bad for her. I can’t go through it here with fine tooth comb as after all this is her private matters. But I pity her; I saw her burdens and troubles through her eyes. Most of the time she kept quiet. She looks normal but I know that she is sick. I saw the sadness that she tried to hide but I have no intention to ask her about it. Despite of being helpless, she kept calm and the strength that she shows amazed me. I’m proud to have her as my reflection. In the journey back, she tried to sing to ease her pain, she tried to sleep to stop her brain from thinking negatively. She seems to has the ability to overcome it when ever she feels stress and sad. That is why I admire her so much. She won’t worry others because she will always reply words with a big smile…though I know that beneath the smiling face hidden hundreds of wordless pain. I like the way she handle things maturely without leaving leftovers for people to carry on. Each time she feels depress, she will replace it with working on things. She forces herself not to think of it…but she’s aware that it will only get worst. She knows that one day, she might kill herself in order to live in peace-a life that she has been crave for years.
Who is she? She is just a reflection who doesn’t exist.

A clown

2008-07-27T23:49:00.000+08:00

she might not be that okay as how she was. the outer looks may be just fine and nice but inside her is drowning. She pretends to be happy but in fact, she is crying. Even when she was being shouted by someone she love, she still looks fine and steady...but actually she was terrified and sad. She has no idea what to do but swallowed all the feelings back to herself. She told herself- I must be strong, the tears will not fall down from my eyes. And she did it though her heart is bleeding. Now, she knows one thing, she can be invisible at times..when people have no interest in her, but she do exist, if someone needs her. She can be easily wiped off and be abandoned. This is the truth. I saw her trough the mirror and I wanted to laugh at her, her dumbness and stupidity have made her as the clown, down to the lowest ground. People tease her. And all those things make me wanna laugh at her, laugh at her naive mind, laugh at her useless brain, laugh at her ugly looks and laugh at her stupid face. But I just could'nt laugh.. I remain silent. I looked at her for some time and she return hers with empty loaded eyes, a pair of eyes that filled with greyish haze. And that irritates me...I hate it...

she is getting better

2008-07-24T17:59:00.000+08:00

The lady who was walking up and down the slope in the previous post has finally cleared her thoughts.. She is no more alone, no more in lost. She found out that a person shouldn't adapt too much to another because it may change the owner's perception of life and the unique personalities that she once owned. She knows that she should act considering to the situation and not adapting blindly to others. This realization has knock her up from the mist. She smiled for the first time. The joy in her has brighten her days a little though she might remain to be alone for the rest of her life. She is aware of it, and she believes that even there is no one beside her, she will still grow strong by herself. She knows that she can't do anything to make someone accompany her in walking the path but to wait patiently till the day's arrived.

Opps, i just realized i had accidentally changed the subject. well, these are just stories, might not be the truth anyway.

A walk with me please

2008-07-23T00:36:00.000+08:00

The slope has leading me to the down again. There is nobody with me. Even the leaves that once stand in glory had fallen to the ground. I’m walking in quite a speed despite the dried leaves on the path that intends to make me slip. I don’t know how long will it be to another slope but trying to brainwashing myself that the end is near…because I know that if I give up on this, I would not be able to walk again. ‘Just once’, I told myself. ‘Just once’.
I feel like crying at the beginning, but the tears ain’t falling down; I feel like shouting for an answer, but I believe that no one is around. It seems like there is an invisible string that pulling me forward. I closed my eyes…held out my hand and walking slowly as if there is someone holding my hand and leading me to a place that I want to go. I feel warm through my hand. It feels like my mother’s hand giving me support and warming me so that I will no more in lost. But as I am walking, the warmness through the hand is decreasing. I tried to hold it as hard as I can but eventually it has gone. The string has been cut into two. I am left on the spot alone.
And I open my eyes. I cried. I cried like a crying baby in hunger, choking and shaking in frightened. The tears flow out uncontrollable, it blur my vision and my thought. I wish that someone could come over and give me a hug, or take me out of this place. I feel like I’m in a maze. I’m tired.
After some time, I got back to my feet. I stop my tears from bursting out. I am walking again. But this time I’m in fear, fear to be the only one left in this world; fear to accept the truth that I’m no more a baby. ‘I don’t want to be alone’ I shouted.
I can’t imagine what lies ahead and how far I can reach the end. I want people to live in my life. I want people who care for me, even if it just one, one person is all I wish. To accompany me through this never ending road. Every time I told myself that it’s just a matter of time, someone will appear with smile in front of me, I just need to keep on walking. This is the only tiny motivation that helps my foot dragging through the path. But is it true? Will my wish come true?

Stop it please

2008-07-20T17:22:00.000+08:00

You cried my heart out. The sounds nearly kill me...although the tears that rolling down from your face aint for me but it saddens me a lot..please stop crying...your influence may cause another victim fall sick.

wait for me

2008-07-16T22:10:00.000+08:00

a friend's 21st birthday has cheer me up a little. Yes, I've been walking towards the down slope these few days, mentally i mean. I could see the sunken ship that landed on nowhere that can be easily be forgotten and abandoned. Despite the low-momentum, i'm trying to walk up the slope, slowly..and carefully...it's tiring with no one's around..I could barely breath as I'm afraid to hear the sound of breathing and heartbeat as they sounds dead..hearing them makes me feel lonely, as if I'm the last person that dragging my foot in this world.

Sometimes I feel like i cant cope with the speed of this world, especially the drastic change in people's mind..it just sounds scary to me...Im no more walking with them but following them blindly behind their back. I admit that I'm slow..in adapting to changes and understanding others..which makes me running behind in order to catch up with the world's speed.

I wish to walk side by side with you all without worries and doubts...and i believe that this day will come....soon. Im walking, at least.

not the first time

2008-07-14T23:34:00.001+08:00

its all back to the dark again..the light i once own has gone...

who am i?

2008-07-11T21:18:00.001+08:00

I have no idea what is wrong with me. It seems like I am destined for losing someone I care as time goes by. Will I be the only one left in my world? I’m trying so hard to figure out the problems or something in me that cause people to run away from me. What’s wrong with me? Why is there no one pointed out my problems in me so that I could change? Why am I living this way? I am tired of living by taking care of others feelings and fear of losing myself by adapting to others. I have no more personalities that I once own, I don’t know who I am…I heard that we should always put ourselves in people’s situation to broaden our perception and adapt the ‘you’ attitude in order to reach some kind of communication. I don’t know if I’m doing it right but I am doing it, I tried, I really tried, but why they can’t see it? Am I doing it wrong from the beginning? I want to know the answer, or I just don’t deserve to be understood.
I’m lost. I’m not sure what am I supposed to do to hold them back. Or I should just let them go from me. I hate myself when I saw the reflection of me from the mirror. I never hated myself so badly. Everything I did seems wrong to others, how come I never thought that they might just take it for granted. Little things that I did seems to have no effects on them…Am I invisible? Do I exist in this world?
Why can’t they believe me that the reason I am doing all these is for them, because I care for them, I really do. I never try to hurt anyone…

no underestimation

2008-07-09T20:45:00.000+08:00

Some critics are evil. They tend to criticize everyone around them just to make themselves happy or better than another, so used to lift up themselves till there is no one else in their eyes. What a way to increase your confidence by underestimating others. So, shall I praise your intelligence in order to lift up my reputations and positions? Or I should follow your advice and criticism to gain a better life and therefore standing above others? You criticize people by looking or listening to them, but does that mean that they are weak or under performance? I have no rights to comment on anyone so do you. So please THINK before you speak.

roller-coaster?

2008-07-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

Life is full with dramatic changes. Things or situations that you think that might last forever may vanished in a second, leave you with jaw drops and blank eyes. People who never experience this can never know the feelings of accepting the change..changes that lead you to heart pause or hard breathing. The first thing that flash through your mind is " why is this happening to me?" Without an answer, you are force to take on the assignment and complete it silently. At times you may lift up your head, look to the sky and pause for minutes, looking for the objectives of taking this task. But do you really hope for the answer that might haunt you for the rest of your life? well, go ahead if your wall is tough enough for a bang.

true or false

2008-07-07T22:09:00.000+08:00

A mirror can tell you who are you but a friend can tell you who you are. A mirror can only show you your overall features, what do you look like, what lays on your skin, and what outfits that will suits you the best. But what about your characteristic, personality and the inner you? Can a mirror tell that you are too soft spoken? Or too intolerance? Well, a mirror can only judge you by your cover, but not truly who you are. Conversely, a friend can see who you are by peeling the mask that covering you. He or she may pointing at your nose listing out all your weakness and incorrect acts but these are the characteristics that lies underneath your skin that can’t appear on a mirror. Open your heart. Look and listen to others, positive and negative, are elements that builds up a human. Don’t lock yourself to the perfect reflection from the mirror but break it and walk to your friends.

thoughts of a broken heart lady

2008-07-06T23:19:00.000+08:00

Standing under the street light
I can’t see the expression on your face.
Are you smiling and waving to me?
You never say goodbye
Turning to the corner is the last glimpse I have on you

I have no tears
Because I know that it is useless
I can’t hold you back
But to see you leaving from my fingers

Hopeless and heartless climb to my mind
I have no words from you
It’s a sudden attack
But I can sense it earlier
I was terrified
Fear of losing you is the only pain I have

Still
You said that word
I thought I have hatred to you
But I don’t
Because I know that it is worthless

You tear my heart into pieces
However I didn’t fall
I’m strong, I told myself
Never realized life would be so hard to move on without you
The world in me seems to stop turning
Because you no longer here

I’m struggling
Struggling to stand up by my own
Struggling to wipe off my past with you
Struggling to move forward
Struggling to hold back the tears from falling

I did it
I’ve erased the pain with you
Feels like centuries to get rid of you out of my mind
I’m no longer afraid standing under the street light
I’m strong
I’m strong

Yin, this is for you.
Some words from me, stay strong.

For a Friend

2008-07-06T23:16:00.000+08:00

Never look back. This is what I wish you to know at the time you told me your problem. Most of the time depression occurs when you trace back all the steps that you have taken, happy or sad or pain was all past tense. Full stop. You can’t change what has changed but you can plan for the path that you will take. I know it is hard for you to accept this dramatic change, but you must be strong. Strong enough to hold on to yourself, strong enough to adapt to changes, strong enough to walk the upcoming road with pride. Lastly, strong enough to be independent.
I did not copy this from any articles or references, this is what I want you to know as my friend, form the bottom of my heart. Do not be afraid and please don’t have hatred towards him, I don’t refer to faults and right, it is meaningless. It will bring no difference to current situation. Hatred will only lead you to nowhere, it will bring more and more depression to you. As a friend, I don’t wish to see you end up in this life. Cut off the anger and hatred, let all the unhappy mood fly away with the winds. Acting out in anger is never good for anybody, and you may have more bad days to come. There is nothing you can do to drag him back to your side when his heart is in nowhere. People change, so do love.
Now, you have grown up and have experienced joys in a relationship that have left an apparent impact on your life. You know what is it taste like throughout this love. Sour, Sweet, Bitter or mixture of all? Remember, you have a long way ahead of you. This is just a tiny part of your life. Don’t ever let it ruin your entire love life, never be afraid to accept another relationship. Be brave.

Don’t turn back, girl.

story of life

2008-07-06T02:25:00.000+08:00

The journey of life sounds tempt ting
It is the mixture of everything
Form bitter to sweet
Sometimes we are over joy by the surprises in our lives
But isn’t that the climax that marks our lives with colors
Enjoy and appreciate what we have
Never take it for granted
Look around you
People that you love, give them a warm hug
And say the magic word
You can make a difference

Smile like an angel 0=)

a libran

2008-07-06T00:06:00.000+08:00

I used to call myself a fair player, more to a perfectionist when it comes to make decisions. But sadly, cool things always turn hot, so as I always end up in unsatisfied situation. Eventually, it is not easy to reach agreement or balance for both parties. So, what will I do? Basically I will apply the Deontology theory which means the greatest happiness for the most number of people. In short- Majority wins. Many would think that this theory's meant for education purpose and people don't apply it in real life. In fact, it is not IMPOSSIBLE to achieve agreement in different situations from the simplest case to extremely complicated case. Sometimes we are just too strong upholding our own opinions and thoughts to over think others offer. I can say that a successful entrepreneur or businessman will not do this in order to gain profits at large, could you afford of losing a huge project or golden opportunities in expanding your business by your thoughtless contradict act? No stupid answer please..not to say that every negotiation will benefits each other but chances do exist. Solutions? Well, a simple 'you' attitude may easily solve disagreements among parties. Just put yourself in the opposition, and go through it with a fine-tooth comb. Get rid of those thinking that hindering you to listen to others. In the end most probably you will realized how stupidly you were and probably you will let go of your stubbornness (outcomes may be vary). Happy ending, isn't it? However, every time I talk about this, opinions and views such as 'oh come on, it is just bullshit, we all knew that... be considerate, who won't?.... tolerance bla bla bla...' will flow in. Right, it's true, simple steps to achieve satisfaction. Not something new where everybody knew that, can't even write a book for that. Unfortunately, only small numbers of people are able to do that. Try asking yourself- 'how many times I ended up in fight or hatred towards another when facing differences and discussions?' If your answer is none, congratulations, you are either a sober or a psychosis.
The purpose of shitting about this topic is purely because I feel like dotting it down here. This is something that I'm applying in my daily life, though I’m not perfectly into this principle. For those* who find offensive towards my points of views and thoughts, no apologize will be made as I believe that everyone has their own perception of view towards this topic.

a tip-off from me

2008-07-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

Warning: I’m no beauty, no druggie, no sex kitten, no dupe, no perfectionist, no hyperactive, but love to be a peacemaker

For those who are interested in knowing me, above is something about me. But please be inform that I’m no party girl and not too conservative, moderate- is what I call myself. I’m a low profile young adult who likes to read and write. I like spending time reading novels and comics, as well as noting down everything happens around me in my comp, which includes my feelings and thoughts. Well, interest in writing leads me to blogging. I’m not a regular blogger as I don’t blog everyday or limit myself to a post per day. I write whenever I have the mood to do so. Same goes to reading; I can lock myself at home and read up to few novels without any disturbance in a day. Sounds boring aren’t it. But I always enjoy the silence and privacy at home. As I know that there is no other place offers better privacy but home. That is why I love staying alone. But of course, when it comes to outdoor, I will meet up with friends, chit-chatting about everything, depending on whom I am chatting with, but most of the time friends are awesome in this. I love to chat, because as topics goes in great lengths, knowledge will flow in. Sometimes I can gain latest information through friends that newspaper and magazines don’t offer. Also, if I have loads of free time, I will go for English series, from scientific maniac to humorous joker to breathtaking action bullet stunt. Anything that is interesting will capture my attention. But sadly, I haven’t got this much time to go for series, perhaps will do after my graduation.
I believe that songs are great medicine in treating sadness and pressures. Not to say that I’m burdened with daily drudgeries or having depression but cumulative of it can burns out the flame in me. No violent act but touches of bad temper can be extinguished by listening to songs. Thus, searching and downloading songs have been listed as one of my top activity.
I emphasize a lot on sincerity, from giving presents to sending messages or creating surprises. No forwarded messages will be received as I believe that it is worthless to read and meaningless except it’s an informing msg.
Lazy is the best word to describe me that has been parasite on me since I was born. Hence, I’m no beauty. I don’t really dress up myself gorgeously or spending time treating my skin right, though I’ve been nagged to do so. I’m lazy to carry out housework, lazy to wake up in the morning, always bumming around to get things done. Well, a typical lazy fella at home. In short, sleeping is my biggest satisfaction.

thought it is over? well, we have just begin..